50 Shades of Boring

I wasn’t going to read this series.  Was not even remotely interested in it.  I’d heard about it, read an article that was absolutely tearing it apart for what it was about, seen the SNL skit, but I still just wasn’t interested enough.  Of course, all it takes is one suggestion from a friend and I decide otherwise.  But, this time I’m almost regretful that I did read it after a friend recommendation; mostly because it saddens me that I can’t share in my friend’s excitement over the series.  After the media circus that has erupted over this book, and the many (many) conversation starters that I could have about this book – in the end I didn’t like it because it just wasn’t very good.  Not because of the content, not because of the scandal, not because of the questionable media coverage…it just wasn’t good.  Here’s why:

1.  It reeked of Twilight fanfiction.  I know there have already been numerous articles written in criticism about the origins of this story being fanfiction – that’s not really my issue.  If an author is able to take something she/he wrote as fanfiction and turn it into something marketable more power to them (worked out for Cassandra Clare), publishing is an awful beast that is being run by the masses these days anyway.  MY ISSUE is that after making it through an online publication and a professional edit to be released as a ‘real’ work of fiction I, as the reader, shouldn’t be able to tell it was EVER fanfiction.  That is just not the case with this story and that was insufferably frustrating to read…for 500 pages.

2.  It never graduated to anything substantial.  Perhaps because it is just professionally edited fanfiction that is the reason that this story was lacking – but I think its just bad writing.  If there is going to be 500 pages of story something pretty epic better happen.  There should be some kind of universal truth revealed; there should be some kind of hero’s journey, or Jesus…even a character arch.  None of that happened.  The characters remained almost exactly the same from the beginning of the story to the end.  The settings and situations of the story remained almost exactly the same from beginning to end.  If there WAS a theme…I couldn’t find it, and it was never developed by the end of the story.  This story never graduated to anything an actual piece of fiction would have manifested into and that made it boring and repetitive fanfiction.

3.  The main character went from forgettable to unlikeable.  Now if you are basing your character development off of Bella Swan you basically have a blank slate to work with – she is one of the most awful female heroines I’ve seen written in a long time.  The author was able to take that blank slate and make her character, Ana, into someone at least forgettable.  I didn’t hate the girl, but her stereotypical clumsiness and lack of conviction and self-confidence about anything made me not like her either.  She was forgettable – her friend Kate was much more interesting to read and sadly barely makes an appearance throughout the marathon of this story.  Yet, as Ana is put through her paces by Christian she goes from forgettable to completely unlikeable by the end of the story.  She was reduced to some horrible jealous harpy that cannot let his past go and continually goads and provokes his temper and moods and yet is confused and upset by his reactions.  In other words the author takes a seemingly normal girl, introduces her to sex, and this event transforms her into a bitch.  When with female authors realize that MOST woman don’t want to read this?  It is just perpetuating the idea that women are needy bitches, and authors continue to lose an amazing opportunity to write about a strong female character that is sexually confidant and mentally stable.

4.  This is a story about mental illness shrouded by BDSM.  You get about 50 pages into the book and realize that Christian Gray is mentally ill.  Not in a ‘haha – yeah we all are’ but as in he has bi-polar disorder with aggressive tendencies and a problem with personal boundaries.  He is a crazed stalker that has so much money he’s used to getting exactly what he wants.  If you peel away all the kinky sex that is happening in this book you realize it’s about the fallout of child abuse.  Which would actually be interesting to read, but that is continually swept under the rug by the author.  You can’t even be mad at Christian Gray for being so mentally ill because he’s going to therapy and supposedly taking drugs for his issues.  He’s doing the best he can with the horrible cards that were dealt to him.  But the author keeps bringing it up throughout the story as a way to distract the reader from realizing that is the ONLY legitimate storyline happening.  Basically, what I’m trying to say is that if you take away Christian’s back story that is teased throughout the 500 pages you’re just reading porn.

5.  The availability of this book is troubling to me.  I’m not saying this book should be banned, but I do think this book should have a warning.  I’m also not so naïve to know that if a teenage girl wants to get her hands on this book she will.  Honestly I’ve read A LOT worse on fanfiction sites than this book can provide and that is not regulated at all.  But, I think that by having this book easily accessible to teenage girls and boys is setting a bit of a scary precedence for me.  I remember having conversations with my grown friends about how I don’t think 11 year old girls should be allowed to read Breaking Dawn without speaking with a parent about it, or how my niece in the 4^th grade probably shouldn’t be reading Goblet of Fire until she had a better understanding of evil and death.  If we are putting this book out on the shelves at Target then what are we saying to pre-teen girls whose parents don’t care enough to know what they are reading?  I’m always a firm believer that parenting should come first, you NEED to know what your children are reading.  But if you’d have to input your birth year onto an online site to read about the stuff happening in this book (which doesn’t deter teenagers anyway), then why isn’t there ANY kind of regulation when it comes to the print version?  I don’t have an answer…it just worries me that if we let this one go what will be next?

In the end I didn’t like this book because it was poorly written.  My suspension of disbelief over what this girl accomplishes sexually over the course of two weeks after being a virgin was just shattered.  The only reason people are talking so much about this series is because of the KIND of sex that they are having and quite frankly it was more unbelievable than shocking to me.  Maybe that says something about me, but honestly some of the mechanics of what was going on was just laughable and distracting.  Smut written for smut has its place and I welcome it in its place.  Writing a 500-page novel and trying to pass it off as fiction is not where smut lives.

I actually groaned when I realized I’d already told my friend I’d read the next one in the series.  I just don’t know if I have the patients to slog through and skip over another 500 pages of nothing.  I hope these books are printed on recycled paper because honestly it wasn’t worth the trees we killed for the ink.

Rating:  Two Stars

Reasoning:  Interesting enough in the first 150 pages, almost unreadable in the last 150 pages.

Recommended For:  No one really, but if you need something to talk about on coffee breaks than I guess…

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Not quite a Haven

I really wanted to say I liked this book – but not really.  I have this lukewarm feeling for it that is both frustrating and annoying.  You’d think that I loved it since I read it in a day but in actuality I think it had more to do with insomnia than Haven.  It’s not that it was terrible, it was a quick and easy read, but everything about it just sat with me wrong.  This thing is FULL of spoilers so skip to the bottom before you ruin it for yourself – if you even care…

To be fair I’m a little “suped” out at the moment.  Either I am drawn to nothing but YA novels about supernatural beings or that is ALL that YA authors are writing about right now.  I get that people want to cash in on Twilight and the such but you have to at least TRY not to be a blatant rip off of that cash cow – not so much with Haven.  There were several moments that I felt were pulled exactly from Twilight.  And perhaps this is just general vampire lore stuff that happens in most books but I’m getting sick of it.

Let me give you a break down of the male lead, Aidan, and you tell me who it reminds you of:

*Born in England in the 1800’s

*Was wealthy and pompous

*Turned by a female vampire

(seems pretty run of the mill vampires stuff right??)

*Age 17

*Can read minds

*Has fantastic abs and pecs

*Has golden sex hair

*Is brooding and bi-polar

*Is super smart

*Constantly wearing layers of clothes

*Totally stalking the new girl but at the same time pushing her away

Yeah….I recognize you….

To be fair Aidan also has TONS of other super powers that totally do not make him Edward Cullen (dramatic eye roll) but I’ll get to that in a moment because it involves the female lead – Violet.

Violet’s parents are both dead and she continues to “survive” with her stepmother.  She is forced to move to New York and is mystically drawn to one prep school in particular.  She has to transfer mid-year.  She is instant friends with her roommate, and her roommate’s friends.  The hottest guy in school notices her and Edward Cullen Aidan notices no one.  But Violet has a dark, dark secret that she doesn’t want anyone to find out.  She’s powerful, so powerful that no one must know of her powers.  Fanfiction fans shout it loud and proud:  MarySue.

For all of you reading that might not be as well versed as I in Fanfiction terms a MarySue is the worst kind of character.  She is the projection of the author in the worst way possible.  MarySue is always the exotic new girl that catches the attention of (Edward Cullen, Harry Potter, Superman, etc.).  She is always loved by all and friends to everyone, she also always has powers well beyond even her own understanding that she must use to “save the world”.  She is annoying to read and the sign that you should abandon the story quickly.

But despite Violet being a MarySue I kept reading because I, mistakenly, thought there was no way someone would publish a MarySue THIS blatant.  And then about 200+ pages in I gave up hope because she suddenly turned into Buffy.  Yeah – you read that right.  Violet realizes that she can hear Aidan, something that no one else has ever been able to do.  Then she has a vision (because her superpower is precognition) in which she sees herself staking Aidan through the heart.  They bad guys call her a specific name in the vision that basically boils down to Slayer.  She can hear Aidan because she’s the Slayer and she is now destined to kill him as well.  If you’re keeping track that’s about three different series that have been ripped off so far.  Let me just break this down in terms that geeks like me will understand:

Violet

Enrolls in a special school

With special friends

Meets a dark and handsome special boy

And then finds out that she is supposed to kill this special boy

I let out the largest sigh possible when I made it to that far into the book and made my poor husband stir in his sleep.  It’s cool if you’re going to rip off Twilight – as stated above I pretty much expect it these days – but if you’re also going to rip off X-Men AND Buffy you better at least get it right.  There better be torment and agonizing sexual tension between “the Slayer” and “the Vampire with a heart of gold”.  There better be f-ing epic missions if everyone at the school has some awesome superpower.

None of that happens in Haven.  We spend 100 pages being forced to watch Aidan and Violet bicker between themselves because he realized that she’s the Slayer and is trying to get her ready to kill him.  There was never enough sexual tension to make their relationship believable, there was never enough cool happening with the rest of the “Scooby squad” for me to even care that they existed, Violet never embraced the awesome of her powers and instead continues to weep throughout the entire novel whenever she has to use one, and Aidan is never more than two dimensional.  True Blood might be pissing me off with their horribly weak season and all the campy craziness that they have going on with all the different supernatural beings on that show but at least they know what the people want – sex, drugs, blood, violence, and fricking rock and roll.

This story had so much going for it.  I really liked the premise – the idea of a girl coming to grips with her superpowers in a school for kids with super powers.  But the second you start throwing vampires and shapeshifters (oh yeah that’s in there too) and crap like that into the mix while blatantly ripping off famous, beloved, and well established series you immediately lost me.  There is only so much I can take before I have to call BS.  Sorry Haven…

Final Score:  2 Stars

Reasoning:  If you’re going to rip off a bunch of different things at least make it interesting.  This is going to be a series, you can tell, but I am not getting the next book.  And if I so much as hear that wizards show up I’m burning the first book in a cleansing fire.  lol

Recommended for:  Probably teenage girls that know nothing about the awesomeness of the WB line up in the late 90’s.  God I miss those days….

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Breaking through Dawn

Uh oh…looks like some one is getting fired over at Summit this morning.  If you’ve been living under a rock for all of this lovely April Fool’s Day then you might not have heard that the motherload of photos were released online today of the last two Twilight movies – Breaking Dawn Parts 1 &2.  And no, this did not appear to be some elaborate joke.

Often times when there are leaks of a highly anticipated movie or book they are tiny, a picture here, a glimpse of a script there, but not this leak.  Or there are times when a production company will purposely leak some pictures or bits of script out to the public to ensure continued interest in their project.  Neither of these scenarios happened with Breaking Dawn today.  It basically has photos from every major component of the two scripts, and I’m here to break some of that down for ya’ll.

SPOILERS AHEAD – Take heed!

There were over twenty pictures to look at, including a 13 second clip of RPatz shoulders rocking as he de-flowers his new bride.  But I’m on a more need to know basis when it comes to Twilight, and there are the pictures that I felt like I needed to know to ensure I was fully informed about the leak.  Also, you have to take into account that they are going to keep these movies PG-13 to ensure the entire fan-base will be able to pay overpriced tickets to see it again and again.  So I’ll be keeping track of the rating as the pictures…progress.

All from the fabulous source of Perez Hilton

#1 – Obviously a duplicate that was then swapped on the bottom, but the important part of this picture is the lap dance/striptease that Bella seems to be giving Edward.  Interestingly she seems to be wearing some kind of magic shirt that can be taken off from the back.  Either way, that takes us from a G rating toward a borderline PG.

#2 – HELLO headboard!  So it appears we are skipping PG-13 altogether and jumping straight to R.  According to the MPAA, “sexually-oriented nudity” is totally what is happening right here.  Makes me wonder if this is the point where he bites the pillow or perhaps the next screenshot.

#3 – Yep.  Probably this one.  Poor Bella, but honestly she should have known better.  She looks like she’s thinking, ‘oh god don’t scream in pain, don’t scream’.  And my I remind you this is keeping us at a very even R, “intense or persistent violence” – I kid, I kid.  😉

#4 – Everyone say hello to hard R rating!  We’re so glad to have him here, and who would have thought he would be gracing us with his presence in a Twilight movie.  I know – I know.  You don’t even get to read about this in the books.  Why yes, of course, my thank you note is already in the mail to Summit.

#5 – I know this is supposed to be a wonderful little moment, a husband and his wife, satisfied on their honeymoon, basking in the wake of their love.  But all I could think was – where did her bling go?  She has a HUGE right? Yet now only a silver band?

#6 – Switch it up a bit here, this was my stream of consciousness while seeing these three images: love that shot, something about a mother putting her hand on her prego stomach just does it for me; ALRIGHT!  Clearly not enough blood for the absolute horror scene that was played out in the book but….oh god, oh GOD what is that hell demon blood monster doing in his hands?!  Kill it!  Kill it!

#7 – EPIC.  WIN.  How could that possibly be KStew?!

#8 – Stream of consciousness about this single picture: Green screen crazy. WTF?! Is that supposed to be JAKE?! He’s the only person that gets attacked in BD from the list of main characters. Once she hears that he imprinted she kicks his ass. Why is RPatz stunt double flying through the air? Why is Lautner’s stunt double look like a ghost? So many questions on this one.

Fun little side bar on this one – I know from a reliable source that it is NOT Jake that Bella seems to be strangling and Edward dropkicking.  So if it isn’t Jake, and absolutely no fighting occurs in Breaking Dawn…I’ll let you come to your own conclusions on that one…

#9 – Now for an actual review and break down of the last picture I picked.  This was one of the BEST pictures from the group  I believe and here are my reasons why:

Snow – so this is obviously during the final battle.

Nessy – doesn’t have curls…interesting. She looks more like Bella than Edward in that aspect, which is not canon.

The grouping – they way they are standing is very telling. It appears like Jake has brought Nessy, she is close next to him, as if he pushed her into the scene. And yet Bella’s back is to us but she is looking over her shoulder. It’s a protective stance and also one where she could possibly be talking. So this could be the actual part where they reveal Nessy and she tries to explain.

Look on their faces – it’s pretty grave. The kid is looking down so that would be an indication of threat or trouble or danger, kids make eye contact most of the time otherwise. Lautner is looking straight on, which is confrontational. KStew has a kind of pleading look on her face which would fit in with the stance of this being the scene were things start to escalate in terms of the final battle.

Like I said – very telling. Best pic of the bunch if you ask me.

In case you were keeping score, we’re still at a hard R.  Bring it on Breaking Dawn – if anything this leak has made me want to see the movie MORE.  Now that’s a feat in and of itself!

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